What They Could Have Done In HetaOni
by Geirdriful
Summary: What the characters could have done in HetaOni instead of, well... being useless. Such as shooting the lock or remembering that dynamite exists. Crude humor.
1. Part 1

**What the characters could have done instead of being useless (China, Spain, Russia, Japan, Romano, Everyone Outside, France, Canada, Prussia), wasting their time learning to tie their shoelaces (Italy), being weak (Germany), wasting their magic (England) or forgetting that they have a gun (America).**

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**I: GETTING OUT.**

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**Way #1:** One for All, All for one.

* * *

"Hey wait," said America.

"What?" snapped England.

"I just remembered, I have a gun!" And then he shot the lock on the front door, to everyone's consternation.

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**Way #2:** Truth Alone Triumphs.

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"Say," England turned to China, "if you can bust down a wall of my house with your head, why can't you do it here?"

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**Way #3** (would have to take place earlier): Plus Ultra.

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"You've got to be kidding me," said America, as all of the nations stood outside of the mansion.

"ALL THIS TIME AND STUPID BRITAIN COULD HAVE JUST TELEPORTED ALL OF US OUTSIDE."

England's teleportation service! Call E-N-G-L-A-N-D.

Hetalia!

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**Way #4:** Out of Many, One.

* * *

"Hey, I've got an idea for getting the others out of that house," declared Switzerland.

"Okay, tell us," said Austria.

Switzerland pulled out a giant bag of various terror-instilling, capable-of-smashing-down-walls, weapons. "Which one?"

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**Way #5:** From the Sea, Freedom.

* * *

"Right," Said Turkey, "so you're going to waste all this time redirecting a river to smash the house when we could've just used this grenade I'm holding in my hand right now."

Greece didn't look at him. "Hercules did it, so that makes it mandatory."

"What?!"

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**II: DEALING WITH THOSE TWO IDIOTS, ROMANO AND SPAIN.**

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"Why don't you just use that notebook of yours, England?"

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**III: ITALY'S DEAD?**

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America was silent for a few moments, then he suddenly shouted, "OK! Italy's totally dead! Let's go throw a party!"

"WHAT?!" The supposedly deceased nation sat up.

America laughed and turned to Death, "See? I told you he'd wake up if I said that!"

"This has an oddly familiar ring to it..." muttered England.

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**IV: GETTING RID OF STEVE.**

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**Way #1:** God's Will First.

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"I wish the alien would get a headache and go home, I wish the alien would get a headache and go home, I wish the alien would get a headache and go home, I wish the alien would get a headache and go home..."

"Shut up, Italy -" began Germany.

SLAM!

"WHOAH! THE FROGFACE ALIEN TOTALLY GOT A STAR STUCK IN HIS HEAD THAT'S BADASS!"

"What the hell! ?" gaped Germany.

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**Way #2:** [Eh?]

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Suddenly hit by an unexpected lightbulb, Austria turned to Switzerland and asked, "Hey Switzy, have you any atomic bombs in that unsightly weapon sack of yours?"

"Don't call me that!"

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**That's it for now. If you have any other ideas, tell me!**

**In the meantime, review or Steve will get you**.

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** REACTIONS TO ALL OF THE OTHER COUNTRIES BEING DEAD.**

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Italy: [Bawls]

Romano: [Bawls]

Germany: ...

Japan: ...

Prussia: ?

America: I think I'll just pull that party trick again.

England: HAHAHA! So my curses do work!

Canada: Uh...

France: [CENSORED CONTENT]

Russia: So they ended up not becoming one with me.

China: DAMMIT THEY ALL OWED ME $€$£$! !

Spain: I'll just use the cheerfulness charm on myself! Fusosososososo~!

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**Heh. I'm not on crack.**


	2. Part 2

**Accidentally reposted part 1. Stupid computer. **

**HOW ABOUT SOME EXPLOSION SOUP?**

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**I. MORE (RATHER SINISTER) WAYS OF ESCAPE.**

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**Way #6: **Indivisibly and inseparably [_Indivisibiliter ac Inseparabilite_r]

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[SMASH]  
Belarus appeared in the doorway.  
"Big Brother, the doorknob that was keeping us apart is gone. Isn't that nice? Now, big brother, marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me..."  
"NO! GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY -"  
"SHUT UP YOU GIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR AGAIN, MORON! HEY! !"

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**Way #7: ** _Liberté, égalité, fraternité._

* * *

"You know," said England, "why don't we just take France's useless cape and tie it to the lowest rung on that rope ladder?"  
"What? You want me to take off my clothes?"  
"NO, I DON'T, YOU IDIOT -!"  
"Okay!"

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**Something that just popped up.**

* * *

"I was thinking," said Japan, "See, if we can't open the front door because we don't have the key, why don't we just pick the lock with something?"

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**II. SOME OTHER DANGERS**

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"BRITAIN GET AWAY FROM THE KITCHENN! ! !"

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**AND THOSE OTHER THINGS.**

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**I. **Achievement Through Joint Effort

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"I will now brainwash all of you with one _very_ important lesson," said one of the nations' bosses.  
He began to swing a pendulum before their eyes and said...  
"Splitting up in a haunted mansion is not only stupid but illogical and should never appear in any reasonable RPG in order for it to sell well, splitting up in a haunted mansion is not only stupid but illogical and should never appear in any reasonable RPG in order for it to sell well, splitting up in a haunted mansion is not only stupid but illogical and should never appear in any reasonable RPG in order for it to sell well..."

* * *

**II. **For the Benefit of the World [_Pro mundi beneficio_]

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"Alright, today we're going to teach all of you a lesson," declared one of the nations' bosses, "but first, we would all like for you to go to the library and find a book on how to gain 'common sense,' which we know is there because we put it there ourselves and which we would have here now if this _idiot,_" he jabbed the American, who looked sheepish, "hadn't forgotten to bring it."  
"OKAY!" shouted America, and the others started to leave (not without grumbles), except...  
"Veh... sorry to interrupt," began Italy, "but what if while we're looking for the book some ghostly lady from another universe appears with a book she says is the one we're looking for and we take it and get transported to a parallel world where we end up having to take the places of our parallel selves because they've just died and -"  
"YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING JAPAN'S RPG VIDEOS AGAIN, HAVEN'T YOU? !" exploded Germany.

* * *

**I'm getting political. Uh oh.**

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**Oh, and the mochi:**

**America:** I'll bet it's that alien's evil counterpart pretending to be one of Estonia's harmless freaky round things!  
**Mochi:**(How did he know? Wait, what's with that thing that looks like petrified couch stuffing? What? Wait! No! Mercy! Don't put in in my mo-!)

(X_X) - Mochi's face afterwards

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**Довиждане.**


	3. Part 3: Solutions

**What They could Have Done in HetaOni III**  
**SOLUTIONS**

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**I. SOME OF THOSE STUPID THINGS THAT HAPPENED BUT SHOULDN'T HAVE**

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**#1 **Germany in the closet acting weird (and he won't come out)

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Japan knocked on the door and said, "Germany, I think Italy's mass-producing white flags again-"  
The door crashed open and Germany burst out of the closet, looking furious.

* * *

**#2 **England using up all of his magic

* * *

"There are so many things you could have done that it would be utterly impossible to list them all out," began England's boss, "... without R2-D2."  
The droid appeared and beeped as the boss pulled out a thick pile of papers.  
"Dude, I think you've got the wrong galaxy and time period!" exclaimed America.

* * *

**#3 **Steve breaking in at random moments

* * *

America had an almost evil smile on his face as he prepared to tell them his plan.  
"Just tell us," snapped England.  
"We put scones in front of the doors," America declared.

* * *

**II. THAT MOCHI**  
**As in, what exactly is it doing there?**

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**#1 **It's Steve's evil counterpart.

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**[See part 2]**

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**#2 **Stray

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Estonia suddenly turned and quickly looked around him. It a slightly panicky voice he asked Lithuania, "Ae, have you seen that American-looking mochi anywhere?"  
"What? !" exclaimed the latter, "You brought those creepy white things here with you? !"  
Estonia groaned. "Great," he sighed, "Now I just hope he hasn't gotten hurt or anything."  
[Meanwhile]  
The mochi watched in horror as the mutant pastry drew ever closer, closer, closer...  
[MOCHI SCREAM]

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**III. WHAT THE HELL IS STEVE DOING HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?**

* * *

**#1 **Just like Tony

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"Idiot!" shouted his wife. "Now look what you've done! You've crashed us on a random planet of midgets in the middle of nowhere! We're marooned"  
"Sorry!" Steve apologised meekly.  
His wife's voice rose to a scream. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR FLYING WITHOUT AN INTER-GALACTIC FLYER'S LICENSE!"

* * *

**#2 **Not-so**-**simple vacation

* * *

"Hey dad!" said one of Steve's kids, "Why don't we go to that planet of dimwitted monkey midgets for our vacation this year? I hear they don't even know how to shoot locks! How stupid can you get?" He laughed.  
"Sure, son! That sounds like a great idea!" Steve laughed, as well.

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**#3 **Maybe he really is evil

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The alien cackled darkly, "Hahaha, this plan is brilliant! All I have to do is get rid of these petty nations and I can take over the world! And then next is the galaxy! And then the universe! HAHAH – AHH!  
His laugh was cut short when a sudden shove from behind knocked him roughly to the ground.  
Emperor Palpatine stood behind him, red-faced with fury.  
"ONLY _I_ GET TO RULE THE UNIVERSE, _NITWIT! _"

* * *

**IV. THOSE BLOODSTAINS**

* * *

His wife stood next to him as they surveyed the damage to the house. She turned to glare at him.  
"So you rent a house in Midgetland so that we can spend the vacation here, and the first thing you do is _smash a hole in the roof _while _crash-landing_? !"  
"Ah, it's alright," said Steve waving his fingers at her. "We can fix it, right? And the kids can help! We can even paint the ceiling red, that's your favorite color, right?"  
Mrs. Steve grunted in grudging agreement.

Soon, they had finished with the repairs and the painting, only to find that they had bought too much red paint (actually, Steve had unwittingly terrified the store clerk so much with his appearance that the clerk just gave it all to him and dashed off).  
"I know what we can do, Dad!" said one of his kids.  
He began painting numbers on the floor. "Abstract decor! And I get to practice my Midget-ese!"

* * *

**Survived the memoir! And I got a 4.0 (A+), too! Joy.**

**Anyway, part three as promised.**

**TYPE IN THAT BOX. YES.**  
**REVIEW AND COMMENT! Suggestions appreciated, too!**


	4. Part 4: Solutions 2 and a poem

**What They Could Have Done In HetaOni 4**

**SOLUTIONS 2**

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**Some things I have to say, though:**

**AnonymousSanSama: **I agree. I agree _completely_. It's incredible how OOC they all are.

**Fairy Empire: **Good idea. That's exactly what I did. Guess what? Two minutes later I was writing this, after weeks of writer's block.

**Guest: **Uh-huh. Seriously, creators of HetaOni.

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**WHY THE KEYS WEREN'T THERE**

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**#1: **Steve

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"OH COME ONE NOW! I ALREADY PUT IT IN THE FREAKING LOCK FOR YOU GUYS!"

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**#2: **Erm...

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"Hey, Italy, ask fat-eyes to turn around," said England, meaning the glob-of-a-hundred-eyes.

"What? Why me?!" exclaimed Italy.  
"Well, it probably knows you! Creatures get scared around strangers!"  
"But you've rewound time, too!"  
"Not as much as you have! I've done it what, once or twice?"  
"More like four times or five times!"  
Everyone else: ….  
"Oh come one now! Just do it!" England shoved Italy towards the blob and hissed "_Ask him!_"  
Pop-eyed with terror, Italy made a twirling motion with his finger and stammered, "H-hey, could you maybe t-turn around for us...?"  
With a slightly annoyed sounding gloomping noise, it did, and all the countries grimaced with disgust. France turned pistachio.  
"Eugh!" gasped England, "I was right!"  
Stuck on the blob, half encased with gooey asparagus green slime, was the key.

"Well, who's going to get it then?" America turned towards the others.  
He then found himself stumbling towards the glob, words echoing in his ears.  
"_Hah hah hah, that's for the Revolution!_"

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**OH, AND THAT HAND THING GERMANY WAS TALKING ABOUT?**

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**#1: **Germany's blind, too.

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"That wasn't a hand. That was your own whip," America told Germany.  
"Ooooh."  
America: [Facepalm]

* * *

**INTERLUDE: Random quotes**

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[HetaOni 7 part 2/5]

America: "Hold on, Japan."

Japan: ...  
America: "I haven't asked why you brought me along yet."  
Japan: "Oh? you've grown sharper."  
Me: Like hell.

* * *

[HetaOni 14 part 2/2]

Japan: "We can't do it with our bare hands. If only we had something to cut it with..."

Me: Use your sword.  
Romano: "Don't you have something like a shard? Glass, for example... or something like that..."  
Me: You have a freaking sword. Use it.  
Japan: "Oh, now that you mention it, I found this broken plate piece. Will it do?"  
Me: [Slams head against the table] You damn idiot. _So you remember a plate piece and forget America's gun and your sword. Are you sure you're getting your priorities straight?_

* * *

**BACK TO THE HAND THING**

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**#2: **He really meant well.

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"OHH MAN!" screamed America. "IT'S COMING OUT!"  
One of the aliens crawled out of the ground.  
Everyone cowered in terror.  
"W-what do you want?" stammered Italy.  
_Why are all the midgets so scared?_ thought Steve.  
"_It's not doing anything!"_ hissed America out of the corner of his mouth.  
"RUN!" Germany shouted suddenly.  
All the nations dashed out of the room before Steve could finish saying "He-"  
_Damn. _The alien cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted after them, "HEY, YOU MIDGETS! I WAS JUST GOING TO TELL YOU THAT I HELPED YOU GET THE KEY!"

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**ANOTHER POSSIBLE REASON WHY STEVE WAS TRYING TO KILL EVERYONE.**

* * *

"I must avenge my toilet!"

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**And there's part 4. Below: A ballad I wrote since I was bored (hell, I do everything when I'm bored). My rhyming skills are terrible. If I can improve anywhere, tell me.**  
**Haha.**  
**I wrote a ballad.**  
**Why did I write a ballad about HetaOni.**

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**BONUS: A BALLAD OF STEVE**

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There once was an alien called Steve,  
who crash landed on Earth and couldn't leave.  
After a long moping period  
and much indecipherable shouting,  
He and his brood finally settled down  
in a nice little mansion of orange-brown.

After a while, however, things got nasty.  
For outside of their home was an unwelcome foursome,  
called Italy, Germany, Prussia and Japan.  
This band of idiots would become rather bothersome,  
As their incredible stupidity would shock even Anakin.  
And as if this weren't enough, six more idiots soon joined the band  
Called America, China, Russia, (someone, but who?)  
and those two, France and England.

This impossible group would cause quite a riot,  
tearing off wallpaper and stealing Steve's diet,  
randomly leaving laundry and corrupting his toilet.  
They even had the pluck to smash all his clocks.  
At this Steve was very dismayed.

And no matter how many times,  
(Goodness, I can't find any good rhymes)  
the poor alien tried to help them,  
They were all just too dim to notice him.  
They all kept on moping and moping  
and crying and crying,  
and there was really no stopping them.

What's more, the vexatious group was again increased  
when they were joined by Italy's cuss-machine brother (a pain)  
and that dull tomato-addict, Spain.  
And so the number of idiots was increased to twelve.

At this point Steve, his patience having dropped to _negative_ twelve,  
Was tempted to simply make the roof of their "safe room" collapse  
and smash them all at once, like annoying gnats.

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**REVIEW, COMMENT, FAVORITE, AND FOLLOW!**


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